


Richie Tozier - Panic Attack During Bathroom Sex - This Is Not Happening

by JackHealy



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Comedian Richie Tozier, Gay Disaster Richie Tozier, Gay Richie Tozier, I was binging a lot of TINH on youtube and this came to me and wouln't leave me alone, M/M, This Is Not Happening, it's about public sex but it's NOT sexy its Bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:40:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22521901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackHealy/pseuds/JackHealy
Summary: Richie "Trashmouth" Tozier tells a story about the first time he hooked up with a man and the people who witnessed it. (Contains strong language.)About This Is Not Happening:Now hosted by Roy Wood Jr., This Is Not Happening features long-form storytelling from stand-up comedians, musicians and more. These outrageous stories show why real-life experiences always make the best material.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 45





	Richie Tozier - Panic Attack During Bathroom Sex - This Is Not Happening

[Roy Wood Jr is on stage in his champagne tuxedo.]

Roy Wood Jr: Please welcome our last comic tonight, Richie Tozier!

[transition: camera spins around Richie with a big smile and a _Richie “Trashmouth” Tozier_ graphic next to his face, popcorn is being thrown in the background and foreground]

[Richie comes on stage and spins around the pole while the audience cheers.]

Richie: WOO! Thank you! I’ve always wanted to be a stripper thank you for letting me pretend for just a second. Hi! My name is Richie Trashmouth Tozier and I am a homosexual American. I know I don’t look it; I think if you were a woman walking down the street at night and you saw me coming towards you, you would be very scared.

But I am gay, a fact that surprised even myself recently, I just tried real hard to pretend that I was straight for 40 years. I’ve talked about it plenty, we aren’t here to rehash my coming out. No, I’m gonna talk about the first time I hooked up with a man, I was like 25. I know. And it was a disaster and because it was such a bad experience, I told myself _that’s it! I’m not gay! I didn’t enjoy a single second of that I MUST be a heterosexual!_ No dipshit, I didn’t enjoy it because I was deeply closeted, it was in public with witnesses, and the wrong bodily fluids were involved.

So, I’m 25, I’m doing an east coast tour and me and a bunch of other comics performed at this comedy club, and we go out afterwards. We go to this club which I will not name, that’s frequented by people in the industry but honestly, any rich person can get in.

I quickly ditched the other comics because I didn’t like being near other men, and I’m dr- that sounds kind of sexist [high pitched voice] _what there weren’t any women comics on tour with you_ [normal voice] No. And to be frank, with the kind of comedy I was doing in the early 2000s, no woman would want to go on tour with me.

So, I ditch them to drink at the bar alone. I’m a little tipsy, little buzzed, and this guy at the bar starts talking to me and we get along great. I don’t fucking remember what we talked about it was like 18 years ago okay, but we were having a gay old time, bonding and shit. And he’s flirting with me, right? And at 25, I knew. I pretended I didn’t, but I knew, ya know? I’ve had sex dreams about guys and forced myself to forget in the morning, I’d only look at the dude when I’d watch porn, every time it happened, I’d act like it was a one time thing. _Very_ repressed.

He asks me to follow him to the bathroom, and he doesn’t even wait for me to answer, he just gets up and walks into the bathroom. Now, I got two things going through my mind at this point, okay. One; his name didn’t ring a bell in the comedy circuit, so I figured he wasn’t in the industry, he was just a regular rich dude. So, if I hook up with him, a gay rumor won’t spread about me. I’m golden there. Two; I’m thinking _I’m not gay, why would I ever follow him into the bathroom. I date women, I’m straight, I am a heterosexual m-_ and before I could even finish that thought and convince myself of my [air quotes] “heterosexuality” my legs had already walked themselves into the bathroom with him.

He checks under the stalls, empty, miraculously, and he pushes me into the first one. And, look, I’m tall. You can see that. My eyes just make it over the top of the stall, so I’m standing there, legs straddling the toilet, periscoping the entire bathroom, and he gets on his knees and starts undoing my belt. I look down at him and my stomach just fucking drops as I realize what’s about to happen. I’m gonna get my dick sucked. By a _man_. In _public_. While a group of men I’m on tour with are just outside the door and can walk in and make eye contact with me at any time.

Then my dick’s out. This… twink…. [laughs] this twink is sucking my dick and I don’t know what to do with my hands, so I reach out and grab the tops of the stall walls [Richie reenacts the pose] and my whole body goes rigid. I’m freaking out thinking to myself _okay it’s not gay to be on the receiving end of a blowjob right, the gender of that mouth doesn’t fucking matter okay he’s the gay one for having a dick in his mouth just imagine he’s a hot chick just keep your eyes closed and pretend he’s a chick_. I pretend Angelina Jolie in sucking me off in this men’s room [stands normally]. But my body decides to have another crisis. See, I don’t know if you know this, but… I _am_ gay.

My body knows I’m gay, it just hasn’t told my brain yet, I’m trying to logic my way into thinking this is straight while my boner is actively deflating at the thought and now my mind is bouncing between these two extremes. Knowing that it’s a man’s mouth stresses me out because I keep telling myself I’m not gay but imagining him as a woman stresses me out because I am gay and my mind is just going to war with itself and he notices. Of course he does, because my body is so clenched up it’s like I’m in rigor mortis. So, Twink pulls off and says, [new York accent] you gotta relax dude, no one’s gonna give a shit [normal voice] and I’m thinking I disagree with you there, but uhh, he asks should I keep going and my dumbass says yeah yeah go ahead. So, he puts my cock back into his mouth and goes to town. And I somehow get my brain to calm down I’m like it doesn’t matter, I haven’t had sex in months, I’m just gonna enjoy this for what it is, right? I just need a release. My arms are still out like this [reenacts pose] by the way because no way in hell am I grabbing his hair, okay, that _too_ gay.

I’m just starting to relax and enjoy this; my eyes are closed. When I hear the bathroom door open…

I look towards the door because, remember I can see over the stall and if I can see them, they can see me. I look towards the door and in walks Jimmy Fallon.

I was on Jimmy Fallon like 4 months ago and the entire- I was on his show! I wasn’t on top of Jimmy Fallon, I was on the tonight show! And the entire time I was praying that he didn’t remember this incident.

So, I make _direct eye contact_ with Jimmy Fallon. My whole body seizes and it’s like the devil had my spine on a rope and yanked me downwards. I duck below the- the top of the stall and my knees gotta bend to make this happen, and Twink, [laughs] I guess that’s what I’m calling him now, Twink had my whole dick in his mouth, deep throating it, the whole fucking thing, so… in crouching, my dick yanks his head down, I got teeth marks on my dick, we both have cricks in our necks, Twink is complaining asking why the fuck I did that, and I hear Jimmy go to a urinal and start pissing. Twink readjusts and goes back to blowing me and that’s when I start _really_ panicking. I’m sweating bullets, taking very labored breathes, I’m in a fucking awkward position [Richie crouches in a very uncomfortable way] to make sure Jimmy Fucking Fallon can’t see me even though we made eye contact and Twink is not being discrete about what he’s doing down there!

And then it happens. Now, when I panic, really panic, my body… does a very undesirable thing… It’s the absolute worst panic response and I… [laugh] I throw up.

I can feel it coming, I push him off my dick, I try to turn around, but I don’t… make it… to the toilet.

Yeah… it uhh, gets on his shoulder a bit. Mostly on the floor, it was mostly on the floor! But some… did get on him.

Twink goes UGHHH, screams, he stands up. I gotta throw up a second time, I manage to get that into the toilet! One point for me. I flush the toilet and now there are two grown men standing in a club bathroom stall. I peep Jimmy at the sink, I don’t even have time to weigh the pros and cons before I’m pushing Twink aside and storming out of the stall, and it’s really fucking hard to storm out of a stall when someone covered in vomit is standing in front of you, the doors open in, it’s a very tight squeeze.

I storm out as best I can, Twink steps out of the stall as well, I make eye contact with Jimmy Fallon _again_ through the mirror and as I go to the door, Topher fucking Grace steps in, it was 2001 so he was kind of a big deal back then, he hadn’t fucked up Eddie Brock yet. Topher briefly assesses the situation before him and turns around, walking out ahead of me. He’s shaking his head like, oh I’m sorry we don’t all get to have our first gay experience be badly kissing Joseph Gordon Levitt on TV! Some of us have mid blowjob panic attacks in public bathrooms! I hadn’t even kissed a man yet at that point, but I had gotten half a blowjob. [He shakes his head and takes a drink of water] Christ.

I storm out to the bar and order a shot of vodka to get the vomit taste out of my mouth, pay my tab, go home, and have a very confused jerk-off session.

Some months later, you thought this story was over, no. Some months later, I get hired on a cartoon to do some voice acting. I go to the recording booth and in walks the writers of this episode, and what do you know, one of them is The Twink. We just stare at each other for way too long. I have never wanted to kill myself more than at that moment. It was the worst acting I’ve ever done in my life; I think they actually recast me like 2 days later.

I spent the next 15 years so terrified a gay rumor would spread to the public, and I think the only reason there wasn’t a gay rumor about me was because he didn’t want to tell people that The Trashmouth threw up on him. But I ratcheted up my sleazy straight man persona to cover myself and it worked _way_ too well. When I first came out to my manager, he thought I was joking. I had to get my friends on the skype call to back me up and convince him I’m gay.

Thank you so much for listening to that trainwreck. Good night!

[Richie jumps and spins around the pole before leaving the stage]

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! this is my first time writing comedy that isn't a crack fic so I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
